The Meaning of Life
The following was taken from a newsletter celebrating Valentine's Day:

    What is the meaning of life? Depending on whom you ask, we have been put on this planet to glorify God or to make babies. Luckily, Valentine's Day provides an opportunity to satisfy both the religious and secular interpretations of existence.

    February 14 is actually the death anniversary of a Christian priest named Valentine who was beheaded for marrying couples against the wishes of the Roman emperor in the 2nd century AD. Since then, it has become known as the lover's holiday, when people of all persuasions can be excused for having only one thing on their minds. Less stressful than Christmas and more global than Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day is the most eagerly anticipated holiday from Tokyo to Tampa Bay.

--Dr. Frank Dumbass is really stupid or part of the commercial interests that really got V.D. going in the first place. He received his doctorate from Mind Control Rules University. He is currently designing new V.D. items and continuing his experiments with mind control (is there a link here or what?).

Here is the PAS (People Against Stupidity) response:

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Less stressful then Christmas! Come on people! V.D., for as long as it has been with us has been extremely hard on all those that observe it. The male is constantly under pressure to perform the demeaning rituals set down all the way back by the certifiably insane St. Valentine back in the 2nd century AD. Many males accept this because if they successfully survive the holiday without mishap while in the company of their S.O., they have a long night of pleasure awaiting them.
    This leads into the problem V.D. causes for the female. She may enjoy observing her S.O. faun over her, but by the end of the festivities she is under a great deal of pressure to, as they say, "put out" for him.  Such actions only reinforce the "woman as object" mentality that women have been trying to shed for centuries.
    V.D. being seen as the holiday that celebrates the meaning of our lives makes me feel really bad for our society. I personally take exception to being told that the high point of my life is centered on sex. Sure, I want to have a family, but I certainly was not put on this planet solely for the purpose of impregnating someone! I think everyone should be allowed to have different life goals, not just those celebrated on V.D.
    A romantic evening with your S.O. is fine. But V.D. allows for the primitive beliefs and values long thought dead to come forth and ruin the progress (or evolution if you will) society has made in the area of gender roles. Do not succumb to stupidity, readers! Let the forces of reason unite!

--Dr. Karl Huck is a specialist in the field of Valentology and the founder of People Against Stupidity. He received his doctorate at V.D. Sucks University and has written several books and articles. He lives alone in a secluded villa in France. He is not bitter and is not a socialist.

(go to page 3)

Editor's Corner
At this time I'd like to address a few questions that I have received about The Club:

Q: There seems to be a sudden policy change within The Club.  To my knowledge I am not a member, so how is it that I'm reading this newsletter without putting my life in jeopardy?
A: Excellent question.  Now that The Club has amassed enough power and influence to take over the world, it is no longer necessary to shroud our movements in a fog of secrecy and disinformation.  You will be receiving notification by mail in the next few days confirming that we have taken control.

Q: What is your real position on allowing women into The Club? 
A: For the last time:  We do NOT hate women.  In fact, we love women.  In fact, they could potentially be great members.  In fact, do you know any that aren't doing anything next weekend?  Because I (AHEM) Sorry, don't know where that came from.. What were we talking about again?

Q: OK then, so how would a woman qualify for Club membership?
A: The Club is, most basically, a support group for victims of our V.D.-intensive culture.  Most men are victims automatically (see Victims of V.D.), but we understand that women can be victims too.  For God's sake, they keep telling us they're victims all the time, it's probably true.  On V.D., we know that managing all that free attention and candy and flowers must be a terrible responsibility.  As for women without an S.O., you're not off the hook so easily either (see coal-walkers).

Q: Most men are "Insensitive Pigs".
A: Most women who think this are attracted exclusively to assholes (see Assholes, page 3) so they fail to notice that there are really a lot of caring, loyal, decent, (and often lonely) human beings in their immediate vicinity who happen to be male.  Any of these "Sensitive Non-pigs" would gladly warp space-time just to be near one of these women, who fail to even notice their existence (see coal-walkers).

Q: I don't agree with some (or all) of the things I've read in this newsletter.  To whom can I bitch?
A: We at The Club are always keen on getting gobs of constructive criticism.  To contact us, just lean forward and speak slowly and clearly into the monitor.  If anyone asks you what you are doing, look at them and say "They're watching YOU too, you know..."

Q: Where do you derive the authority to make sweeping proclamations and generalizations as seen above?  I think that...
A: Right, before this one gets too far, let me point out one thing.  Look at the top of this article.  See who's Corner it is?  It's MY fucking Corner!  You know why?   'Cause I'M the editor, OK?  If you have issues with this stuff then I completely encourage you to go form the "I'm Pouting" club and make your own Corner instead of reading mine.  Get a hobby, man.  Sheesh.

--Greg Bell is editor and dictator-for-life of The Club.  He spent much of the last 2.5 years undercover with various girlfriends, trying to discern their motivations and determine whether there is a conspiracy against Nice Guys or if he just sucks.