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A Nice Guy's Guide to Being an Asshole

Looking back on my own ill-fated relationship and those of my friends, I have come to this conclusion: Women want to be with assholes. If you have come to this conclusion like I have, then here are some tips.  These tips are for the nice guy who wants to date someone, but can't because he is not an asshole.

1. Never show that you are eager to date your significant other (S.O.).  When she calls, act like you are busy.  This doesn't seem like much.  But when you DO go out to spend time with her (as you planned to all along), she'll think you made a special point to be with her.   Be careful to have your "plans" fall through (or even better, suddenly not be a priority) early enough so your S.O. doesn't make other plans.  But wait long enough so that she has stewed around thinking about you and whether you were going to be able to see her.
2. ALWAYS talk to girls you know if front of her, jealousy is your friend!  Do this even if the other girl pisses you off, or is just plain nasty.  When you do this, it sets off warning bells in your S.O.'s mind that she has competition.  If your S.O. believes that she could easily be replaced, she will subconsciously try harder to endear herself to you.  However, don't show TOO much interest in other girls, as playing with this kind of jealousy can backfire on you and cause crying, loss of trust, and in extreme cases-- dumping!
3. When you are with her and you run into your friends, always talk to them as if you suddenly have no interest in you S.O.  This works on the same principle as talking to girls you know, but is definitely safer.  After you have bantered with your friends for a while, suddenly "remember" that you haven't introduced her (after she has steamed a bit).   Do this as often as you can, because it can never hurt you.  It proves that you have lots of friends and that she isn't "essential"; she will subconsciously work to become "essential".  It has to do with genetic need your S.O. has to "bond" with you.  Be careful that she doesn't get the notion that you are "showing her off".
4. Avoid compliments about intelligence, and nice comments in general.  Even compliments such as "you're attractive" are too nice.  Also, poetry sucks!  Women want pricks, not poetry (they may profess that this is NOT the case, but it is).  Poetry is a thing of the past.  Women would rather be treated as an object.  Instead, say, "you're hot", while your eyes go up and down her body.  This does not seem right to us nice guys but it really makes women feel "hot".  Don't EVER compliment a woman's intelligence or wit, as she will remember that she has it.
5. Always seek to find better ways to do everything.  The best thing that can happen is that your S.O. relies on you completely, and is even susceptible to suggestions (i.e. control). To this end, ridicule everything she does.  Avoid doing anything that she can do better at all costs.  Also, alcohol is man's best friend.  If she says something complicated, pretend you don't understand her.  Be careful of this, however, since it is very easy for YOU to look stupid.  This is a great way to be an asshole, but very dangerous.  Suggested only for the experienced asshole.
6. Haircuts!  When she changes her appearance always say she looks nice, but look perplexed (give her the "what the hell are you thinking" look).  Your S.O. will automatically assume that you think she made a mistake.
7. If she does something to piss you off, tell her immediately.  Don't try to remedy the situation either.  Remember!  She is ALWAYS wrong.  Milk her mistakes for all they are worth; when she screws up, let her know it!  If she thinks she has wronged you many times, and you lead her to believe that you are capable of seeing past HER transgressions, then she'll be glad you are so "understanding".
8. Ignoring her for small lengths of time is good too.  Even if you want to be with your S.O. all the time!  This will constantly keep her thinking about you, which is a good thing (especially if you have gotten her to rely on you completely).
9. Small things to remember:  Never say excuse me.  Try to put her into positions where she will stumble (when you are walking together).  That way you can help her out AND she'll feel awkward!

All right, for all us nice guys, I know these tips seem harsh.  I have not mastered all of them, and sometimes I let compliments slip.  You must always remember, the more inferior she feels, the more control you will have, and the more she will want to stay with you.   A real asshole can even laugh at her suffering! 

A note about this guide: this is a temporary measure.  You see, being an asshole is contrary to us nice guys in a fundamental kind of way!  We will never be happy until we can find a relationship where the girl truly knows us and appreciates us for who we are.  In the meantime, always remember the Nice Guy's Guide to Being an Asshole.

Thank you,
        Erick Huck
        Dr. of Valentology,
        Hazardous Mental Waste Institute