Re-Return of the VDISTYAOA part III

Well, it's that time of year again. We're all getting damn sick of winter, and are psychologically tuning up for springtime. That means it's also time for our annual Club update newsletter thing. We’re sure you all are dying to read the rest of this issue, and some of you undoubtedly have questions regarding membership issues and whatnot. However, before we continue, we must insist that you read and agree to the following:

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Ok, now that THAT unpleasant business is out of the way, we can continue with the 1998 issue.

First of all, the charter members of The Club extend a personal welcome to all of our new members. Of course, all of our new members currently have NO fucking idea what this letter is, nor why they have been chosen to receive it. So, let us briefly explain the history of The Club and why it exists.

In the beginning, before time itself had begun, (imagine the theme from 2001 playing in the background) there was Nothing. Then, in 1996, a few of us decided to form the V.D.I.S.T.Y.A.O.A. Club, which is a clever mnemonic for "Valentine’s Day is Sucking This Year and Overrated Anyway". For obvious reasons, we needed a more concise way to refer to ourselves, so this soon devolved into simply "The Club" (not affiliated in any way with the popular car-theft deterrent device of the same name).

The purpose of this newsletter has always been to uncover the general commercial hokeyness and staggeringly enormous suck-factor of this ‘holiday’ so we could all point our fingers and laugh derisively at it. This hearty shared joke would make us feel just a little bit better than all the hopeless saps who had fallen into the Valentine’s Day trap. It would also deter any speculation as to why, during this time, we were all sitting in front of our computers reading email instead of getting "some", to use the vernacular.

There will be several abbreviations in the following so we can finish typing this before we’re old. Examples:

Valentine’s Day:    "VD"
Significant Other:    "S.O."
Matthew isn't getting this letter because he blew it last year: "Loser"

Well, as some of you have astutely guessed, several of this year’s recipients are in flagrant violation of our main-est rule: Never shall any member in any way have a current S.O. or else they get discharged from The Club and secretly snickered at by the remaining members. Those fitting this description undoubtedly have one, and ONLY one thing on their minds right now: "Hey, wait. I thought I HAD a girlfriend. This letter’s for people who DON’T!". And they, much like the latest Intel processor, have instantly put two and two together, and come up with: "Could I have somehow been mistaken about having a girlfriend in the first place? Or did we break up and I just don’t remember..." Also like the aforementioned chip, they have come up with the WRONG answer. In fact, the guidelines for club membership have changed in the last year.

The reason for the change is very complex, but actually quite simple: 1) Some of the people who enjoy receiving this letter are currently in violation of that main tenet, and 2) I am one of those people. So, faced with the extinction of this Very Important organization, we decided to take the initiative and refocus the group. Now instead of complaining about the bastards lucky enough to have S.O.’s, we will complain about how VD is unfair to men in general.

Now to address these and other issues, we will proceed in the ever popular question and answer format. (cheer!)

Q: Why all that Licensing crap at the beginning of the letter?
A: Ah yes. We are sorry that we had to do that to you, but it was deemed necessary after an appalling number of people who were distinctly NOT qualified to be in The Club received bootleg copies of last year’s newsletter, mostly due to the low moral standards of one or two members who shall remain nameless (see "Loser" above). The other related issue is that a surprising number of unqualified people actually wanted to JOIN The Club, and it was a pain in our collective ass to dissuade them from their efforts.

Q: I don’t understand why people would willingly apply for membership in a club that’s distinguishing admittance factor (until this year) was that you must be a "loser" by popular standards.
A: We don’t claim to understand this either. However, we do note that referring to oneself as a loser has for some reason become fashionable lately.

Q: You’re kidding me.
A: No, seriously. It’s just like how people all of a sudden think it’s cool to say that they’re "weird", or like how people think bell-bottoms are back in style. There’s no logical explanation except that all of these fair-weather losers, weirdos, and victims of a warped fashion sense are simply "broken" or otherwise out of order.

Q: So now that the rules have changed, who do we, as members, get to EXCLUDE from The Club so that we may feel important and just a little bit better than everyone else?
A: The answer to that is simple and rational, but we will duck as we say it: Women. We are not sexists, nor do we claim that men are generally better than women in any way (parallel parking). No, the reason for this exclusion is that men share a common affliction, especially during VD. We have to put up with women, on their turf, often without compensation. We are expected to buy flowers and cute little expensive stuffed animals, heart shaped candy or lots of other stuff which is generally overpriced, sickening, and often pink. Those of us who are currently unattached are forced to witness this yearly ritual and decide whether to feel left out or disgusted, so basically everyone suffers. Sure, the women appreciate it, we’re not denying that. But what WE want to know is when will the Commercialized Powers That Be decide to invent a holiday during which WOMEN are expected to buy things for MEN and generally fall all over themselves with blind devotion the way WE must during VD?

Q: But what about the women who claim they have no S.O. and wish to join The Club on that basis?
A: All women who have approached us with that excuse have fallen into the category of being ABLE to have their pick of many truly decent S.O.’s at nearly all times, but choose not to for whatever reasons motivate them, which we are not entirely certain of (possibly they're dumb?).  (see coal-walkers)

Q: Huh?
A: Let us simplify. To determine whether a girl TRULY can’t find a S.O. worthy of having, apply this easy test: If the girl were to walk onto Taft Hall third floor, how many minutes would it take for at least one half of the unattached male population to flock around them pathetically? If the answer is less than 37, then this female is PERFECTLY capable of attaining a S.O..

Q: What is the origin of this test, and where did you come up with 37?
A: The test was designed as a conclusive way to determine eligibility after an extensive study of a phenomenon known as "The Pam Effect", where a single female quickly becomes the center of all attention and the main focus of a large percent of the male population, often inadvertently. To see if you or your friends are suffering from T.P.E. just observe normal behavior patterns:
If the girl’s name comes up more than 84 times a day in random conversations, that is a good indication that The Pam Effect is in full swing. For more details on this study, consult someone who lived on Taft 3 last year. As for the numbers 37 and 84, they were mathematically calculated by the time honored procedure of hitting two random keys on the numeric keypad.

Q: What is it that you have against VD candy?
A: For the answer to that, take for example those little sugar hearts with messages printed on them. You know, the ones that you never buy but always seem to be around during VD, much like paperclips and rubber bands always seem to be around desks, even though no one ever buys them. Tell us honestly that there’s not SOME better use for a chunk of sugar than to be formed into the shape of a heart with some mushy sentiment printed on the side? And frankly, some of the things they put on those hearts lately bother us! "Eat me." How about "Sit on it".  Just think about that one for a minute.

Q: Heh heh heh. So what does VD candy have to do with the eventual demise of civilization as we know it?
A: We’re SO glad you asked, because we will now take this opportunity to expound on the greatest threat to this planet since diet cola...

It is a known fact that approximately 25 tons of space dust enters the gravitational pull of earth on a daily basis. What is not known is why or where this stuff is coming from. Undercover agents working for The Club have determined that the source of this extra mass is the same as the source of all those tons of VD candy: aliens.

That’s right, alien forces have been conspiring for years to add to the mass of the earth, in order to make it so heavy that its gravity will increase substantially. This will make it impossible for the inhabitants of earth to move, facilitating planetary domination by the alien invaders. Evidence of the gravity increase can already be felt, as more people every day find themselves unable to move away from their computers and televisions for extended periods of time.

The aliens needed more ways to add to the earth’s mass than just space dust, because they’re impatient bastards. So they devised a plan to manufacture countless tons of CANDY and transport it to the earth’s surface, and shoot "Sap Rays" at the earth on February 14th. This would obliterate any sensible male resistance to the mushy sentiments of their newly engineered holiday: VD. In fact, research has shown that in the alien language, the word "Valentine" loosely translates to "Our sinister plot to take over the earth, Muhahahaha!!"  Further studies indicate the alien mass-increasing plans may also be responsible for fatty foods, lead, Mt. Everest, and Roseanne.

So my friends, whether you are spending this VD with or without a S.O., remember to keep your wits about you and not get overwhelmed by the commercialism and mush. And watch out for falling space dust.