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Valentine's Day Is Sucking This Year And Overrated Anyway
The Club Newsletter

World Narrowly Escapes Annihilation
CORE,THE EARTH--The World as we know it was nearly destroyed last New Year's Eve, by an extremist faction of The Club who were allegedly trying to "rid us all of that day, THAT ACCURSED DAY, forever! Ha ha!  MuaHA HA HAAAAA".  This information reaches us through an anonymous informant named Karl.  Also confirmed by Mister Huck was the fact that despite the group's concerted efforts, the planet was in fact NOT destroyed on that evening.
    Investigators report that the faction had somehow managed to drill a passage to the Earth's core, thereby allowing them to speak to the planet itself.  They apparently tried to convince the Earth to self-detonate by describing to it in horrifying detail the suffering that we humans bear each year at the hands of V.D. sap and commercialism.  The date 01/01/00 was chosen for the attempt, so that any species observing us from space would conclude that the sudden destruction of the 4.5 billion-year-old planet was caused by the 'Y2k bug'.
    From his Urbana, IL apartment, Huck reflected, "The tunneling was easy.  But once we got there, well..  we just weren't prepared for this kind of rejection."
    Our planet, having withstood meteor impacts, numerous wars,  global warming, and several seasons of 'Voyager', was reportedly not impressed by the extremists' plight, and advised them to shut their word-hole and get a life.
    At the time of writing, the Earth was not available for comment.  --gb

The Meaning of Life!
Doctor Karl Huck, founder of People Against Stupidity, flexes his staggering intellect and ponders our existence. (see story on page 2).

photo by visualparadox

Daring Club Operatives Infiltrate BRACHS Factory!
(See story this page)

Recently Declassified!
CLUB H.Q.,WYOMING--Last week in a fit of insanity, several leaders of The Club agreed to release highly classified data about the organization's past operations.
    Now available from the VDISTYAOA archives, read at your own risk:

• Newsletter from 1997
• Newsletter from 1998

Prominent Club Member Learns: Things Change
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS,IL--In the wake of yet another unilaterally ended relationship, Club activist Greg Bell was informed last Wednesday night that "Things Change" by a well-meaning friend.  The friend also added helpfully, "and sometimes we can't do anything about it".  Bell characterized this statement as "an amazing revelation!"
    This wealth of profundity has inspired Bell to write a book about this and other keen insights called: "Well DUH: A Guide to Post-Relationship Advice"  --gb

Letters to the Editor
Ever wonder about The Club, its policies, or other enigmatic unfathomables?  All your questions answered here! (see page 2)

Make sure this doesn't EVER have to happen to you!  Find out how: (see page 3).

B.R.A.C.H.S. Plot Exposed!
LONG AGO,FAR AWAY-- Recently, undercover operatives intercepted a transmission containing technical readouts for the Empire's new Death Star battle-station, which

(sorry wrong movie).  Recently Club operatives were able to gain access to the BRACHS corporation by posing as nondescript interns.  While on the inside, they photographed secret company memos which confirmed that "BRACHS" in fact stands for "Brainwave Research And Candy Heart Sales". 
    Through carefully worded messages, mind-bending pastel colors, and nearly toxic levels of sugar, the ubiquitous candy hearts actually alter the Alpha patterns of every male who consumes them.  This leads to increased sales of candy as well as Hallmark cards and other V.D. paraphernalia.
    Especially affected is the flowers industry.  After all, it is patently obvious that the only way a human would pay over $50 for a bunch of severed plant gonads is if he was under some form of mind control.  --gb